Pursuit of happiness - Alfred Adler version
Takeaways from 'The Courage to be Disliked' by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
The Courage to be Disliked1 discusses Alfred Adler’s philosophy on how to lead a happy life. The authors are Japanese, and the entire book is written as a dialogue between a philosopher and a youth2.
Happiness is doing things for others
Adler says contributing to the community is what makes you happy. There are social experiments that scientifically prove this point.
Do things because it is the right thing to do
If you pick up litter from the public park in your neighborhood, and no one compliments you, would you do it again?
Adler recommends that the reason for you to do things should be intrinsic and not for praise. If you do it for praise, you are conforming to others’ wishes. Figuring out what you want and doing things for your own reasons require courage.
Your value as a human is implicit
You are valuable as a human. It is not tied to the acts that you do.3
Here and now matters, not the past or future
Enjoy the journey, every moment. Enjoy the climb rather than climbing the mountain for the sole purpose of reaching the peak. Your past does not define you. Adler recommends that you think of your life as dots4 not line that follows a story arc.
Comparison is bad
We have all heard a version of ‘don’t compare’. But why? The book talks about how comparing yourself to others will make you think of everyone else as your enemy. Because for you to be better than others, others should not be doing well!
Avoiding comparison will help you think of others as your friends. Now their happiness and success do not have to make you slightly jealous5.
Once everyone in the world is your friend, you do not have to be pissed off at the driver that cuts you off6.
Once everyone in the world is your friend, you do not have to fear public speaking because the audience is rooting for you.
Do your job ONLY
The book makes the case for focusing on your job and not meddling in others’. For example, as a parent, it is your job to help your child study, but it is the child’s job to study. The parent should not make the child study.
It is similar to the Reinhold Niebuhr quote - ‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’.
Don’t rebuke or praise, only encourage
Adler’s philosophy says that rebuke and praise are both products of judgment. And it is not your job to pass judgment. But you can encourage7.
Build horizontal relationships, not vertical
The idea here is that all humans are equal, but not the same.
This means you treat your child like a fellow human and not a second try at your dreams.
This also means when your supervisor asks you to do something wrong, raise your hand and object. Don’t electrocute the learner!
I picked it up because, like Monica from Friends, I too have an unstoppable desire to be liked by people.
The format of the book was so surprising that I did not read it the first time I checked it out of the library. Also, libraries are the best!
So, next time instead of ‘ after all that I have done for you, how could you?’ say ‘how could you?’. Wait, that is you meddling in their job. Adler did not say being happy is easy!
Steve Jobs has a famous speech on connecting the dots.
Freudenfreude for the win!
Or at the guy who asked you to drive the bike on the lane on the opposite side
I feel there is a thin line between praise and encouragement. I guess the difference is that while praise says ‘good job’, encouragement says ‘good job’ but non-judgmentally. Yeah, I don’t know where the line is!